Don’t Eat That

Eat low fat. Eat high fat. Eat good fats. No gluten. No carbs. Eat the right carbs. No sugar. Eat raw. Eat organic. Only eat grass fed beef. Midwest corn-fed beef. California has happy cows. Drink milk. Got milk? What about cereal? GRRRREEEAAAT!! Hamburgers and hotdogs. Apple pie. America. Eat only vegetables. Eat only protein. Too much protein. Microwave meals. Low fat, high carb. Soy is great. Soy will kill you. BBQ gives you cancer. Everything gives you cancer. Drink magic water that cures cancer. Eat blueberries. Drink wine. Don’t drink wine. Sugar is the devil. A little won’t hurt you. Dark chocolate. Champagne for dinner. Big breakfasts. One meal. Frequent small meals. Don’t eat after 6. Always carry snacks. No snacks. A handful of nuts. Don’t eat nuts. No saturated fats. Butter is bad. Eat margarine. Margarine is bad. Butter is good. Eat like a cave man. You’re a hunter and gatherer. Wrap your body in plastic. Drink veggies. Juice cleanse. Don’t tax your adrenals. No coffee. Coffee colonics. I love coffee. Drink green tea. Eat a balanced diet. No pasta. No bread. You can eat pasta and bread in Europe because the food is better. Take prenatal hormone supplements and don’t eat. Eat green apples. Drink pee. Eat cotton balls. Don’t eat starchy foods. Eat avocados. Free range chicken. Vegetarian. Vegan. Vegan desserts. Coconut oil. Oil pulling. The Cookie diet. The Zone. South Beach. Atkins. Heavy cream. Fasting. Vitamin shots. You have a parasite. Get a parasite. I’m a stomach flu away from my goal weight. I have a slow metabolism. Eat cayenne pepper. Drink hot lemon water for breakfast. Meditate. Think skinny thoughts. Eat fair trade foods. Take probiotics. Eat pickles. Use spices. No dairy. Eat yogurt. Eat raw dairy. Raw milk is illegal. No gmos. Apple slices in Happy Meals. The “light” menu. The Whole 30. Paleo. No legumes. No grains. No wheat. No processed foods. No cheese. Cheese is ok if it’s part skim. No red meat. Eat fish. Don’t eat big fish. The fish are toxic. No pork. Eat omega rich foods. Fish oil pills. No preservatives. Don’t deny yourself. Eat dessert. Don’t get too fat. Don’t get too skinny. Don’t microwave your food. Eat sitting down. Drink half you weight in water.

Awe screw it. Let’s do this instead.



Any diets I’m missing?

// Jennifer Latch is an actor and mother of three girls living in San Francisco. Here are the links to get social with her on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook. She can also be reached at

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