You Are With Us In Our Dreams

Where are you? You should be here. You should be doing this with me. You should be seeing your grandchildren grow.

You are supposed to be helping me with my house. I need your input on my garden designs.

Why is it set up this way? Why does it happen that we have these bodies that can sever ourselves from each other? I don’t think it’s fair.

Sometimes what really gets me is we can’t watch the Mad Men finale together.

I still have your number in my phone. I pass it sometimes while scanning my contacts. It’s both comforting and annoying it’s still there. The reminder that I used to be able to call you whenever I wanted. I haven’t deleted it because, well, you know.

It’s been 4 years since you moved on. In that 4 year period a lot has happened for our family and a lot of personal growth occurred for me. I’ve gotten to the point I talk to myself and publish it online. It’s a little odd, but it’s working.

Chloe learned about 9/11 today. She was describing the planes crashing into the buildings and the explosions. She knew the exact number of people who died. She asked me where I was during 9/11 and what it was like. I told her I was with you when we watched the second plane hit on the news.

I did my best to tell her about what had happened that day while at the same time keeping myself from blurting out 9/11 was also the day my mom died. I don’t think she needs to carry the weight of the 2,996 people we lost and also be reminded of that fact she lost you too.

I wasn’t really prepared for her to learn about 9/11 today. I wasn’t prepared to learn you had developed leukemia as a result of the chemo that was supposed to have saved your life and cured your breast cancer. I wasn’t prepared to see planes fly into buildings 13 years ago.

I don’t think anyone is really prepared for tragedy, loss and heartbreak.

I wish you were here. I wish the victims of 9/11 were here.

My heart aches for the families who were affected that day 13 years ago.

My heart aches for Chloe and Ella who miss you so much and for Phoebe who never got a chance to meet you.

You are with us in our dreams.


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