The 20 Signs You Live With a Toddler






Well… true, I have had profound healing from being with my kids, but I don’t think the person who said that remembers fully the “toddler years.”






1.  You’ve learned that when a toddler says “No” it means “no and stop, and right now, and give it to me, and it’s mine, and I’ll do it anyway.”

2. You’ve learned that when you say “No” it means yes, keep asking or do it anyway.

3. Your car, oh your poor car.

4. You find makeup between couch cushions nicely combined with ground up crackers.

5.  You start talking in the third person with no pronouns ever. “Sally wants a snack? Mommy will get Sally a snack. Sally, sit right there while mommy gets Sally a snack.”

6.  You start talking to your husband in the same way. “Daddy wants to watch Breaking Bad? Ok, let Mommy finish what Mommy is doing so Mommy can watch Breaking Bad with Daddy.”

7.  You have half-eaten snacks on the bottom of your bag.

8.  Every piece of fruit in the house has a small bite out of  it.

9. You know every lyric to every Disney song since the 50s.

10.  You always have at least one particle of food somewhere on you.

11. Silence is a warning that shit is about to get real.

12.  It feels like a special occasion when you get to go to the bathroom by yourself.

13. Grocery shopping alone can only be compared to a spa day.

14. You yell “DOGGY!” every time you see one, even when you are alone.

15.  You have learned to interpret a foreign language. “Wan ha ah pizzle bop bop.” easily translates to, “Mother, I would like a pretzel while I sit down to enjoy my favorite show.”

16. There are hand marks and sticky spots covering the bottom two feet of every wall.

17. You’ve broken three toes on the baby gate.

18.  You immediately start to childproof any house you walk into besides your own.

19.  Your iPhone has run out of space because of all the kid apps and toddler selfies.

20. You’ve discovered negotiating with a toddler about going to bed is harder than anything you have ever done. EVER.


What did I miss?

I would love to hear the ways having a toddler has changed your life, home, body and mind. You can leave a comment below.

I will also be featuring toddler stories and pictures on my Facebook page using the hashtag #thetoddlerhouse. Share your photos on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram to be featured in an upcoming blog post!

You can find me on Facebook on the page Our Urban Playground and I’m on Twitter and Instagram as @oururbanplay


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29 responses

  1. That’s a pretty awesome list! Somehow #3 in particular resonates like crazy. I could add possibly a few more:
    You are completely unfazed by any and all touching of your boobs in public.
    You know all the spots on the wall up to 3 feet above your child’s bed are boogers, you just haven’t quite been brave enough to handle it yet.
    You’ve learned to walk carefully through a dark room barefoot, avoiding sharp toys–well, mostly.
    You ask adults if they need to go potty before you head somewhere.
    You cut up your husband’s food into small bites.
    You constantly push back drinking glasses from the edge of the table or away from arms, while dining with adult friends and family.
    Length of walks or hikes, or really any activity of any kind, is judged by how long or far you might have to carry your child.
    You have an almost sixth sense about what exactly it looks like when your child needs to go to the bathroom.
    Your tupperware is in the bottom cabinet near the floor and is utter chaos. Because it’s really just a toy cabinet anyway.
    You will encounter random sticky spots in even more random places Every. Single. Day. :)

  2. All of these hit home! I think I have to add…
    You have original art on your walls throughout the house. When friends come over you show it proudly, “He’s really getting into portraits and his use of color is phenomenal!”

    Painting the walls will wait until the youngest is 10.

    You say words like your kids say them, forgetting you are talking to someone who does not know your children’s language. “I need Inja Twerdles.” (Ninja Turtles) “Where is the Mote-mote?” (Remote) “Tank Yuuuu!”

    Very few things gross you out anymore.

    The bathroom floor is the cleanest floor in the house because it gets mopped with a towel after every bath time.

    You catch yourself counting to 3 when the dog doesn’t come when you call.

    You learn you’re a control freak when you allow your child to “help”.

    Thanks for the awesome blog! ;)

    • You learn you’re a control freak when you allow your child to help….! I’m dying.

  3. You find yourself using your toddlers names for things, we call motorcycles “manananas” for months.
    You are able to ignore an enormous amount of noise from your kids playing but become alert the second you need to.
    You try to convince your toddler to like the kids shows you can tolerate, but no, they always want the one most irritating to you. However, you know every song from every show they do watch.

  4. The answer to #20 is to turn off or down all the lights. Something about it being dark puts them to sleep. They don’t argue when they are asleep or half-asleep already. This works until they are old enough to reach the light switch and turn it back on.

    • Thankfully my third baby is rather good at going to bed. The first two didn’t sleep until they were 5.

  5. Yes! All of these!

    You forget the real names of things and refer to them only by their toddler names: chickle egg, caricka, and sharmell are Chic-fil-a, Captain America, and chocolate milk, respectively.

  6. Great list! Here are mine to add:

    -Your first thought when you lose something is to look in your toddler’s toy area and the trash (it’s generally in one of those two areas thanks to your tot’s little hands).
    -You eat way more Goldfish than you’d like.

  7. Two more:
    1. Your off-arm is stronger. If you are right handed it is your left and if you are a lefty, it is your right. Years of carrying a child growing heavier every day while trying to do things has made it the stronger one. You can now open jars with your off-arm better than the other.
    2. You can now tell by the tone of the crying whether it is a real problem, like they hurt themselves, hunger or a wet and full diaper from an attempt to get you to propitiate what they want by a loud and long expression of grief. Even in other people’s children.

  8. The most pointless thing in life has become trying to clean up toys while a little person is awake. Laying untouched on the floor for 2 days? It’s now {the. most. interesting. thing. in. the. world.} the second it hits the toy bin.

  9. Other things I have found are:
    1) Someone asks if you saw a new show, or anything for that matter that you never heard of, and you ask if it is on PBS, Disney or any other kids channel’s.
    2) You look forward to your kids going to bed so you can try to catch up on you shows on the DVR, but are too tired to watch them.
    3) When you do get to watch your 1 hour long recorded show, it takes you 2 hours to watch it with all the interruptions.
    4) You can reach almost anything in the back seat without looking.

  10. You have a bite mark on your back but haven’t had sex in a month. (Teething plus a back carrier and a curious toddler = 1 ouchy surprise)

  11. Love these! Also, add you have developed cat-like reflexes to catch drinks before they spill and toddlers before they dart off. Plus your upper body strength is better than it’s been since your teens.

  12. Driving around to actually find a train to get stuck at so your toddler can see his favorite thing. Choo choo and being able to quote every word of Bambi

  13. I have one: You find yourself saying sentences you NEVER thought you would say! Things like: “No! We do not lick the dog and NO we do not greet others by licking them!” One I say almost daily “If you leave Mr. Tinkles (his penis) alone, it will stop growing like that and go back down. Stop trying to push it back in!” or “Please pull up your pants and stop yanking on Mr. Tinkles!”
    “Why is there a car in my dishwasher and how did it get in there?”
    Finding toys in his bed, immediately AFTER cleaning the toys off his bed, without ever seeing him go near his bed! Oh the joys!

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